i will never, ever be the same as i was,

My son,
the list of people, mostly males, whom I've thought were my best friends seems to be endless.

--that statement, in and of itself, should be disturbing enough.

my last Best Friend Forever, will be my last.  
losing you 
is constant pain to the very core.

I had long ago hardened my heart against friendship and against love, but my last  BFF found a way to sneak into my heart, for a too-short while, and annihilated me first with the degree of his friendship, his love, then again just a week ago, with the degree of his departure from our bond.

from the first line above, read 'i've been through this before.' however never to this extent/depth.

my heart healed well with time THEN.  i don't think that it will do so this time. i welcome death with zeal now, without my beloved friend.  my best friend was the one, the one who got me through prostate cancer with his devotion.  only 18 months ago. where have you gone, son?

where have you gone, son? what did i do that was so terrible, what did i do so suddenly to 
cancel out years and years of our granite, steel-friendship/love between us?

you wiped out our bond, son/friend, not me... but i only want 
to know from you, from your heart 
which i know so damn well, WHY?  maybe i did not know your heart as well as i hoped, sir.

we am living in pain and in bewilderment. at your sudden indifference. not like you used to be.
a "friend" would not inflict such pain, and therefore i must ask you, 

were we ever friends, despite your words, my words, our words,   ?
wth, i know in my heart that we WERE once bestestestest of friends, and family.


 what has happened?


what do i do with my memories of you, of us, of our, of we, of me and you and you and me,
if you intend that we are not friendly, not family, no more?

you've shot me in the heart, my son/friend, yet i live.  i would have asked you to be the one person i would want to execute me, if that were my judgement;;;
part parts of me, want to shoot you now, in part parts of you,
as suddenly as you did me, and as without notice

but i, being the better man in this duo, 
would never duo that tuo yuo.
have a nice life, whatever...................................